Heroes Nowadays
by Shiy
Summary: The crew has docked on another unknown island where attacking creatures turn into coins upon death and villagers speak like a broken record.


**Title:** Heroes Nowadays

**Fandom:** One Piece. And a little insubstantial crossover.

**Character/Pairing:** Straw-hat crew, of course.

**Rating: **PG13? They have naughty mouths.

**Warnings:** First OP fic. Swear words, that are actually considered mild for pirates, I should think.

**Disclaimer:** OP doesn't belong to me. No infringement intended. No profit gained.

**Summary: **The crew has docked on another unknown island. Luffy has gone missing. Written for **cosmiko**'s birthday.

**Started:** 23 Dec 05

**Ended:** 26 Dec 05

**Word Count: **2,318

Sanji stomped through the foliage with more force than was necessary, pulling his burden behind him without much heed for its well-being. He managed merely two more steps before two purple-skinned creatures appeared out of apparently nowhere. Clenching his teeth in annoyance, he sent them flying with two swift kicks, and quickened his pace. In his haste, his luggage slammed against a boulder on the path with a rather loud crack. He ignored it.

There, the entrance to the town was in sight, and the thought of seeing the lovely Nami-san and Robin-chan lifted spirits in an instant, such that he was almost floating the last distance to escaping the forest.

Except, three long strides away from his haven, two brightly coloured winged-creatures swooped down upon him, screeching angrily, and brought him crashing down into reality.

Sanji snarled.

* * *

"Naaaaami-swaaaaan! Rooobin-chuaaaaaan! I have returned! "

"Welcome back, Sanji-kun." The navigator smiled, sugar-sweet.

"Thank you for your hard work." The other woman added.

"What were those horrible shrieks just now?" Usopp asked, but was ignored as the chef threw aside his luggage to swoon over the ladies.

"Ahhh! ZORO!" The reindeer screamed as he ran towards the prone form discarded so carelessly by Sanji. "Doctor! Someone call a doctor!"

"Chopper," Nami sighed. "Just patch him up, quick."

"Ah! It's me!" Chopper exclaimed in realisation before pulling out his equipment, investigating the unconscious man's various bruises and cuts at the same time. "What kind of monsters could have done this to Zoro?"

Usopp waved his hand from side to side in negation. "I bet you twenty beli most of those wounds weren't caused by the creatures we saw." He whispered conspiringly, sending a meaningful glance in Sanji's direction. The cook was still emanating hearts in copious amount. Absence apparently does make the heart fonder. Even if it were only for twenty minutes or so.

"Where are the coins?" Nami was asking, eyes bright and impervious to the hearts floating around her.

"Here it is Nami-san! "

"Thank you Sanji-kun. But remember, don't kick the enemies away again. It was lucky those creatures landed near us, but otherwise it would have such been a waste of my coins!"

"Hai, Nami-san! "

"'Your coins'?" Usopp muttered, sore over his embarrassing reaction to the bodies that almost landed upon him had he not dodged (ran away screaming, to be precise), and which magically transformed into coins. "I'm doubtful those can be used outside of this island."

Nami just shook her finger at the sharpshooter. "Don't you mind, since they are all mine."

"But we need to use them for medicine.." came a small voice, which made Nami paused to look at the doctor.

"Zoro's poisoned, and it's nothing identifiable, and, and nothing seems to be helping.. and he's not waking up!" Chopper started to stammer as Nami's eyes grew narrower by the second, clutching a bag of coins to her chest.

"We did saw something called 'antidote' in the shop back there," Robin contributed.

"How much was it?"

"100 coins?"

Nami's eyes narrowed again.

"Nami~" Chopper whined.

"Alright, alright. Just so you know, this is going into his debt."

"Devil."

"Let's go." Nami led the way back to the shop they saw, stepping over the fallen body of Usopp whose whisper wasn't soft enough.

* * *

Zoro ended up in the forest again almost as soon as he was revived to work off his debt that had come up to be a thousand and four hundred coins on top of the beris he still owed the navigator. As it turned out, the strange potions in the shop worked like magic, healing his wounds immediately, but they were as costly as they were effective. Plus, Zoro had a lot of wounds. Sanji was spared responsibility on account that, simply put, those coins were his in the first place.

There was a violent quarrel as he was denied for the reason that he might lose his way and get poisoned by some strange creatures again, made worse by Sanji's enthusiastic insults and declaration that he was not going to go fetch the idiot again, no matter what (which everyone knew were empty words as long as Nami commanded). That resulted in a brief brawl until it was time to make lunch.

"Oh fine. Someone go with him." Nami had conceded in annoyance when Zoro repeated his demand, apparently having remembered what he was fighting for before coming to blows with the cook.

Usopp and Chopper's eyes grew wide as they realised Sanji, already in the ship's galley, was no longer available to be volunteered, which meant either of them was going to be Nami's target, and they really had no interest in entering a forest full of monsters.

Nami was already looking at them with considering eyes even as they began to blabber excuses, until Robin volunteered herself, much to Zoro's displeasure.

"I SAID I'll be perfectly fine on my own."

Nami just rolled her eyes. "Just go together. Robin just wants to take a nature walk, isn't that right?" She beamed at the other woman, whose slight smile never wavered. "Besides, she can take care of herself."

"Fine, then we'll go our separate-- "

Men. She heaved a dramatic sigh. "Alright. If you so object to Robin's company, I shall ask Sanji-kun to go with you--"

"Fuck NO."

_As if I would allow that. You might start another competition or something just as silly_. Outside, she just smiled widely and waved them goodbye. "Remember, any surplus-- and make sure there is-- will be taken care of by me. And don't miss a single coin."

* * *

When Zoro next returned it was with a bare few scratches and just in time for lunch. Robin had obviously done her part well. Nami was especially appreciative at the large sack of coins slung over Zoro's shoulders and no doubt filled with the help of Robin's hands.

"Robin-chan! You must be tired! " Sanji waltzed over on cue, platter on hand, and pulled out a chair for the woman. "Here, please enjoy a cocktail while lunch is being served. " Usopp and Chopper, having returned from a fruitless fishing trip, grumbled.

"Moron." Zoro muttered just loud enough to reach the cook's ears and dodged the kick to his head.

* * *

"Now that we are fed and-- Sanji-kun, please stop that."

"Hai, Nami-san! "

Zoro snorted as Sanji removed his foot from his.

"As I was saying. It's about time we find Luffy."

"I don't know. I rather enjoyed lunch without Luffy around."

"I share your sentiments." Nami said, heartfelt. "But we've no reason to remain here now that the log pose is set, and since the creatures here don't turn into meat when killed and no shops appear to sell food, our food supply are in danger of running out, right, Sanji-kun?"

"Hai, Nami-san! "

Zoro scoffed.

Sanji kicked.

Nami hit both of them.

"This town is creepy," Usopp continued. "I wonder if there are actually living things on this island besides us."

"There are those monsters.."

"Normal monsters don't turn into coins when they die!"

"How would you know?"

"I... I'm the great captain Usopp! I--"

"Even the townsfolk--"

"They turn into coins too?" Chopper interrupted in horror. "You... you killed them?"

Nami rolled her eyes. "No, but normal townsfolk don't keep repeating themselves no matter how much you speak to them."

"Nami-san is so wise! "

"ARGH!"

"Shut up you shitty swordsman!"

"YOU shut up you stupid love cook!"

Nami rubbed her forehead. "Let's see. ...We're getting nowhere."

* * *

"Can't you say anything else?"

"You must save our town!"

"Try asking the great Roronoa Zoro over there."

"You must save our town!"

"You don't know which? He's that muscle-freak over there with seaweed for hair."

"You must save our town!"

"Fuck you, you pervert cook!"

"You must save our town!"

Nami tucked her rods back and dusted her hands off, savouring the transient silence until the two men rise again. Sanji had been sent to retrieve Zoro almost as soon as he had stepped from the ship, and had only just met the townsfolk. He apparently found them highly entertaining.

"Where were we?"

Usopp gulped. "Uh, that the townsfolk appear to be telling us something."

"Yes, yes. Something about saving the princess from the Demon King or the town and subsequently the world will be doomed." Nami recalled what they had gathered before she was distracted by the antics of her crewmates. "How silly is that?"

"'Princess'?" Sanji was up in an instant, which meant Zoro was not a step behind. Nami silently cursed her carelessness.

"Silly?" Chopper repeated in what was almost a squeak. "What if... it might be, you know, true?"

Nami paused only for a moment.

"I don't believe the prediction for world destruction is going to come from a bunch of," she waved her hands around at the 'townsfolk', silent now that Sanji was no longer... 'conversing' with them. "... parrot-humans."

"They don't really parrot you kn--"

"Shut up. As I was saying." She paused, trying to recollect her thoughts. "... we need to find Luffy."

"But we must save the princess!"

Nami glared at Sanji, hard.

"Nami-san is so beautiful when she's jealous~ "

Usopp backed away as the navigator's eyebrow twitched, ever so slightly.

"Since we can't find any leads to where the captain might be, we might as well find out what is plaguing this town." Nami's anger gave way to surprise as she stared at the other woman. "Besides, saving a princess usually warrants a reward."

"No it doesn't! Remember Vivi?" the sharpshooter protested immediately, seeing where this was going.

"Not always." Robin agreed with a placating smile.

"Alright! Let's go!"

"WHAT?"

"We're going to the palace!"

Chopper gasped. "We're going to save the princess?"

"Nami-san is so kind! "

"Were you following the conversation at all, stupid cook?"

"What… what about Luffy!"

"He can wait." Nami declared, giving Usopp the evil eye. "This 'Demon King' can't be worse than what we've faced so far."

* * *

She was wrong.

Before them, a horde of at least twenty gigantic mutant beasts growled and prowled impressively. But that was not the threat of course. The real threat was the figure donning a black cape and posing at the head of the army of monsters, legs spread wide open and arms akimbo.

Nami pinched the bridge of her nose.

"What are you doing?"

Luffy blinked at them and pointed at the building opposite him.

"I'm gonna take the princess."

* * *

What followed was chaotic, to say the least. As it was no easy feat to reason with Luffy, the conversation was swiftly abandoned in favour of battle as soon as the king and princess came onto the scene.

Nami alternated between screaming at Zoro, who had taken Luffy's side once the captain hollered the command to take the whole palace down, and yelling at Luffy to stop. Chopper and Usopp ran around attempting to escape the battle, essentially tripping up Sanji, who was defending the ladies.

It went on for a while until Robin, from the safe elevated spot she had lifted herself to, reminded the navigator that there was no actual reward promise extracted from the king. Realising the wisdom of her words, Nami personally tied up and handed over the king and princess to one of the beasts, putting an end to the scuffle.

Well, all except for Zoro and Sanji, who had somehow ended up in a one on one (surrounded by a lot of coins and many heavily injured beasts who had undoubtedly been unfortunate enough to get close), and that fight was terminated when Luffy, seeing that the battle was over, latched onto Sanji and demanded, very loudly, for food. Thus, leaving the palace in a wreck, they made their way back to Going Merry.

* * *

"So you met this fellow who fed you lunch and asked you to attack the palace and take the princess? And then he gave you this black cape and sent a horde of monsters to go with you?" At Luffy's nod, Nami punched his head, hard.

"How many times must I tell you not to accept food from strangers?!"

Luffy picked his head up from the table and resumed chewing enthusiastically on his meat.

"It was good food."

Nami rolled her eyes.

"Nami-swan, we're ready to set sail! "

"Right. Let's go, then."

"I hope we meet some real humans at the next island." Usopp muttered to Chopper's agreement. Zoro stalked past them, ready for a nap since his part in readying the ship for sailing was over.

The sack of coins tucked in the corner of the girls' room slowly deflated, unnoticed except for one.

Robin just smiled, and turned a page of her book. Navigator-san will find out in time, and get over it after a severe tantrum.

**Omake**

The figure shook his head, his light-coloured, wavy long hair swaying with the motion, as he watched the ship depart from the island. That had not gone according to plan. He had really wanted to see a crew trapped in a dilemma of whether or not to fight their comrade. Maybe it was a mistake in casting, he mused, even though the captain was the strongest, the woman seemed like she would have been a better Demon King personality-wise…

"Or you could have remembered they were pirates, not heroes, and included rewards if you actually wanted them to take the side of the good." A tall black-clad figure contributed snidely.

The first figure dropped his fist onto his palm.

"Indeed. This script is outdated. Nowadays the heroes actually need a reason to save the world." He shook his head in mock empathy. "When's the next ship arriving?"

Another black-clad figure in spectacles looked at the device in his hand. "In ten days."

"Good. Plenty of time. Reset this island while I get a new script."


End file.
